


i love you, darling (and i am done, dear)

by raazberry



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Angst, Jared desperately needing therapy as usual, M/M, POV Alternating, Richard being Richard with his emotions, Self-Esteem Issues, THIS IS A VENT IM SORRY, the rest of the gang is also mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:02:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29981199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raazberry/pseuds/raazberry
Summary: He always knew that his love would become too much for Richard to handle.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	i love you, darling (and i am done, dear)

**Author's Note:**

> title from mitski's 'i want you'. my contribution to the jmcu (jarrich-mitski cinematic universe)

“Jared, god, can you just shut up with your lovey-dovey bullshit for like, one second? You’re not my fucking mom, and and and, stop fucking touching my arm. Your obsession with me is getting really weird, man.”

It happened. Finally. Richard snapped at Jared for his affections. It was a long time coming, Jared was only surprised that it took Richard so long. It’s not like he was waiting for him to say it. He just couldn’t help it. He cared about Richard and he loved Richard and at some point it was going to become too much for him to handle, like it always did.

“I’m sorry, Richard, I’ll leave.” Jared says, tears welling up in his eyes. He knew this was coming, so why was he still sad about it? Why did his eyes decide to betray him right when Richard told him that he’s too much? Gosh darn it.

Jared leaves the hostel with nothing in his hands, his crying turning into full on sobbing. He could hear Gilfoyle saying something as he shut the door, but he didn’t want to hear it. Whatever it was. He needs to leave, now. There was no place for his misplaced, overbearing love at Pied Piper. He should’ve learnt his lesson by now, but he didn’t, and he probably never will. It’s like he was stuck in some sort of pattern — He’d always give away too much of himself and his love, and then he’d get sent away with his heart in his hands and nothing else. He should’ve learnt this by now: he shouldn’t love so hard. It never ended well. For anyone.

He walks up to his car and gets into the drivers’ seat. He can’t go home, and he can’t go back to his condo either, because someone was squatting there and he didn’t have the heart to tell them to leave. His stupid, stupid heart. Always got him in trouble. He didn’t know where to drive to, so he just stayed in the driveway, sobbing loudly. He hoped that no one could hear him.

He would never say it out loud, but he was half-hoping that Richard — or just somebody, even Gilfoyle or Dinesh, would knock at his window and apologise. Or tell him to come back. They don’t even have to apologise, just knowing that he’s still wanted, that he’s still needed would be enough. He would throw his heart on the ground and stomp on it, even, if it meant that somebody would come to him and very genuinely tell him that he’s needed, he’s wanted — that he’s loved. But nobody did. Why would they?

He thinks about calling one of his friends at the old age home he volunteers at every weekend, but when he looks through his pockets he realises that he’d left his phone in the hostel itself. He thinks about going back but decides against it. If anybody needed him, they’d ask him to come back. As simple as that. And he would never willingly go back to a place where he knew he was unwanted. It wasn’t even a matter of pride, just self-preservation. You don’t go back to a place where nobody wants you, unless you want to be beaten up with a belt and somebody’s old boot. He knew this.

It’d started to become colder now. Jared was shivering in his car, but he couldn’t get himself to get up and look for a blanket in his emergency duffel bag. He could barely move. It was as if his entire body was glued to the seat. So he just sobbed himself to sleep in his car. The last time he’d done that, he’d hoped that it would never happen again. It was his fault for hoping.

As he drifts off to sleep, he dreams about Richard. Richard walking up to him, Richard asking him to join Pied Piper, Richard asking him for help, Richard letting him take care of him, Richard holding his hand because he was panicking before a meeting and needed to hold on to something. Maybe Jared needed to hold on to something too, so he had dream Richard— the Richard who would never tire of him. Never let him go.

#

Jared wakes up to the sound of his car’s horn. It scares him, so he screams, and so does somebody next to him. Which makes him scream again. He’d gone to sleep alone in his car, hadn’t he? Was last night a dream? If yes, why was he in his car? Jared starts panicking, when a rough hand grabs his.

“Stop screaming!” A familiar voice says, and when Jared turns towards his side, he sees him. Richard. Richard was sitting next to him in his car, holding his hand, asking him to stop screaming.

He stops screaming.

“Richard?”

“Jared. I’m really fucking sorry.”

Jared nods, not knowing what to say.

“I really am,” Richard says, squeezing his hand. “Can you come back? We need you.” A pause. “I need you.”

“You don’t.” Jared says, matter-of-fact. They didn’t need Jared. They could get by just fine without Jared. Getting a new head of business development wasn’t very hard in a place like Palo Alto.

And Richard certainly didn’t need Jared. All the things Jared did for him could easily be done by anyone else. Manicures? A manicurist could do those. Panic attack relief? Anti-anxiety medicines and a therapist could guide him. Waking him up everyday? An alarm clock could do that.

Richard doesn’t need Jared.

“I really fucking do, and look, I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. At all. I was just really overwhelmed, you know how I get really cranky when I do. And you were there, and you were fucking helping me, and I just, got pissed like some hormonal fucking teenager, and just, come back? Please? I’m really sorry.”

“How do I know that I’m not dreaming.” Jared asks, in a whisper, as if he didn’t mean for Richard to hear it, but he does.

“Uh… I can try to,” Richard takes his hand back from Jared and runs it through his curly hair. “Can I try something?”

“I _am_ dreaming,” Jared says, and closes his eyes. Richard’s hand reaches up to cup his cheek, and Jared sighs, swatting it away. “Richard, I admire you, and you know that I love you, but I didn’t think you’d sink to this level.”

Richard frowns. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean, Richard. Don’t act obtuse.”

Richard opens the car door, and leaves. Jared just drifts off to sleep again, refusing to believe that this wasn’t a dream.

#

Whenever there was something that Richard didn’t understand, he’d spend hours on trying to figure it out. It was a good habit, but a bad one too. It got him good grades when he was in school, but it also got him a sleeping disorder. But he certainly wasn’t going to give up this habit _now_.

He thinks about Jared for hours, but can’t figure him out, at all. It wasn’t like Jared was some sort of puzzle. He was an open book, a _really_ fucking open book, actually, but he still couldn’t understand him. This made him feel like he’d gotten a D on a test he’d put in a lot of effort for— he felt terrible, and dumb.

What did Jared mean by sinking down to this level? What level? All Richard wanted to do was apologise and make it right with the only person who had ever truly believed in him and loved him. No sinking to any level, just Richard trying to do his best. It wasn’t _just_ Jared who was obsessed with his coworker and friend.

When Richard went to Jared’s car, it was 3 in the morning. He used the spare key Jared had gotten made especially for him. When he got in, he saw that Jared was asleep, so he sighed, and thought about leaving, but then Jared mumbled his name, _Richard_ , he said, _I love you_ , he’d said. So how could he leave?

He didn’t fall asleep, he just sat in the passenger’s seat and looked at the hostel for hours, and sometimes Jared. He thought about how he could apologise. He thought about what to say. He thought about telling Jared that he loves him too.

As the sun rose, Jared got more talkative in his sleep. Richard didn’t understand anything he was saying, because it was in German, but he listened. He caught his name, and Monica’s name a few times. And Dinesh’s too. He smiled when Jared’s actually-kind-of-coherent German sleep-talk turned into nonsense mumbling. It made him want to hold Jared, and just scream at him, _I’m sorry, I’m really fucking sorry, man. I don’t deserve you_. Because he didn’t. He didn’t deserve this, any of this, especially Jared.

Then he starts crying in his sleep, almost like he’s having a nightmare, so Richard tries to wake him up, but Jared beats him to it by swinging his hand straight to the car’s horn. And then the screaming starts.

#

Jared, now fully awake, starts sobbing when he sees Richard come back to his car. Jared thinks about driving away right then and there, he can email his resignation, and then never see Richard again, but Richard gets into his car before he can even move.

“I like you,” he says, his voice shaking. “Like, you know.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.”

Jared cups Richard’s cheeks and leans in to kiss him, and Richard doesn’t pull away. which surprises Jared. It doesn’t feel like what he thought it’d be like. It’s soft, and it’s sad, and Richard is warm and methodical and all the love he’d never been able to give to Jared was on his lips now, daring to reveal itself. Jared pulls away.

“Are you doing this to get me to still work for you,” He asks. “Please.”

“Jared, of course not, I’m,” Richard squeezes his shoulder, “I’m like, in love with you or something, how do you not know this, you spend all of your time with me. You have to know that I’d never do something like that. I, um, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jared says, looking right into Richard’s eyes, who doesn’t look away. Maybe just this once, Jared can stay. He can let himself fall.

**Author's Note:**

> why deal with your feelings yourself when u can project them on ur favourite ship. anyway thank u for reading this! as always, kudos + comments are very appreciated :] follow me on twitter @zchwoods if you'd like!


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